Same old story

It’s been a couple of months now and things are not much better; maybe even worse.  Emotionally I’m a wreck. A study in contradictions. Caught in the rushing rapids my body is exhausted as the current carries me downstream.  A part of me doesn’t want to fight anymore yet as I near the edge of the falls, I scramble trying to find something to grasp onto to keep from slipping over the edge.

Clinging to that part of my brain that is logical and not emotional.  The intelligent part that says I deserve better. Suicide is easy, cowardly and selfish. Scrapping bottom but not touching it. My faith is broken. I think maybe that hurts the worse. Self-inflicted pain…who can screw you up better than yourself?

I don’t sleep so much as pass out from exhaustion.

No one gets it…

I don’t even understand myself .  My nerves are shot. I can’t think straight my mind just shuts down. Life crashing around me I sit and I knit. It’s the only thing my mind can accept, stay focused on. I have to knit or mind will completely shut down . Maybe knitting helps because I am actually creating something, accomplishing some task, any task 

Who’s that girl?

” I’m not the same girl anymore.. ”
“I am changing, rearranging…”
“…Somebody that I used to know ”

I hate taking pictures. And that was before the devastation of my body, soul and mind.
Now because of the illness and physical limitations lots of pictures are being taken (June is busting out all over!…)

Let the people say “Amen”!

I can’t believe I’ve paid for this for nearly two years and barely wrote anything. Timing is everything I suppose.  I finally have a therapist that I believe will actually help me resolve some issues instead of just talking about them. GOOD NEWS FOR YOU! I’m expressing my feelings! HA HA HA. This should be good.

I discovered one of the reasons this is so hard for me is because I have that good old perfectionist, control mentality. End result is I publish nothing. So now to hell with it. It is what it is.

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This would be the appropriate time to turn tail and run.

RUN FORREST RUN!
Have you heard Lady Gaga’s new song, “until it happens to you?”  So many people I just want to hand copies of that song to.
Ok…enough here. There’ll still be Zen Knitting, it’s my baseline therapy but there’s so much more…My life, my truth, my creation.

THERE’S A NAME FOR THAT!

Who knew? Here I am thinking I’m being unique and quirky because I get these songs and music stuck in my head. Well I found out today there’s name for that. It’s one of the definitions of “racing thoughts”. I’m not talking about when a song or tune pops into your head and you think about it.

A racing thought is when you can’t control thinking about it. In my case, it’s like background noise. I keep hearing it or repeating it even when I’m thinking about or doing something else and it can be very annoying.

I guess it happens to everyone but most people can control it.

Hmm, does this mean I am becoming

self aware

? Stay tuned…

WELCOME TO MY NIGHTMARE(Alice Cooper)

Wave after wave…slowly drifting (Waves/Mr. Probz)

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Often I’ll get a line from a song stuck in my head that describes how I’m feeling. Totally random. Drifting, free form, racing thoughts.

Please quiet my mind. Still… be still.
My mind is on fire. Quench this thirst. Leaping flames. Can’t think straight. Something has to give. System overload. Man down.