I had all these big plans and ideas for this blog when I first signed up but mostly all I’ve done is pay for a website I never use.
So my goal today going forward is to write my story. Just write. Whatever comes with that; not going to worry about how it looks or sounds.
This is supposed to be therapeutic. We’ll see about that. Allow me to reintroduce myself…
A middle aged overweight single black female who may be be starting menopause. I am articulate, well read and well spoken… Sometimes.
I am what I would describe as a high functioning adult with some disabilities, both physical and mental (maybe later I’ll get into what that means exactly).
Among the many hats that I wear, most relevant to this particular endeavor is that I an adut with ADD. Recognizing but not yet completely accepting this fact, I struggle with ” staying the course”. I’m a good starter but not a closer. I am easily distracted. So this is going to be a major challenge for me.. Let’s see what happens from here.
Let me get the negatives out of the way first. This come easily because it’s easier to identify myself in these terms.
I suffer from a chronic pain condition, with a large side of major depressive disorder and ADD, sprinkled with a dash of generalized anxiety and OCD, with a big, giant bowl of hoarding for dessert! Whoo hoo!!
I live with my amazing mom. Except, she’s not doing so well right now. The doctors don’t know why she has lost so much weight. The good news is that no cancer has been detected. I also think she is going through the beginning stages of dementia. It hurts to see her struggle and frustration with not being able to remember or do the things she used to do.
I’m starting to ramble. Happens a lot especially when I’m tired like right now. I didn’t sleep much last night ( forgot to mention the insomnia… (Go big or go home). Boom!)
“Heavy” Linkin Park just some of the words:
I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity
I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Why is everything so heavy?
And so it goes. I’m working on changing my stinkin thinkin. I am my biggest enemy. I don’t like where I am but there must be comfort in the pain and hurtful place that I find myself. At least I am familiar with it.
The unknown frightens me. Ironically, what I refer to control actually looks like chaos on the outside. I wanna let go. Why is everything so heavy?
Dragging around what’s brining me down…
Today I take baby steps. My island is eroding and I am learning how to swim. Today, I tread water; slowly venturing out. Testing the waters but not too far out that I can’t make it back to the island.
The island that is slowly eroding, dying…
There is shelter on the other side. Off into the distance. Beckoning, waiting, faintly and gently in the distance.
How deep is the water?
Today I am a year older. I’m still here; shattered and broken. The difference this year? For the first time, I think that I’m going to be OK.
The past few days, I’ve been handwinding a skein of yarn. The skein comes fairly straightforward; if you start with the right end, the process is pretty smooth. However, grab the wrong end and the yarn can become one big tangled mess. The more you try, sometimes the knots and kinks get tighter. If you’re not careful and patient, you can get a knot that you cannot loosen. Sometimes the way forward is nowhere to be seen.
Yet I still try. What was once nice smooth yarn is slightly fuzzy now from the friction of trying to wind the ball. Finally in the end, I have wound the skein into a ball of yarn which I can now use to create something new and beautiful. I feel a sense of pride and accomplishment in this fact.
Of course, there was an easier way to accomplish the end goal but that was not my path. This is my journey.. .
The thing I call myself.. Tired. Just tired. Tired of being irritated. Tired of being angry. Tired of feeling guilty. Tired of trying. I just want everything to stop. I want a break.
Addendum: you always hurt the ones you love.
I don’t know what to do now. I just lashed out at my mom in anger because I was hurting and irritated and just so tired.. Now she’s quiet and I know that means that I hurt her and I can’t apologize. I am frozen and just feel cold. And very, very tired.
There is nothing worde than non-descriptive pain. My head, my whole body aches and nothing seems to help. You want to scream at the unfairness of it all. No one would understand anyway.
This cover of Katy Perry’s song is amazing!
…Sunny days, everyone loves them; But tell me, can you stand the rain?
Storms will come. I know, I know all the days won’t be perfect but tell me can you stand the rain?…
I can’t stand the rain.
It’s been a couple of months now and things are not much better; maybe even worse. Emotionally I’m a wreck. A study in contradictions. Caught in the rushing rapids my body is exhausted as the current carries me downstream. A part of me doesn’t want to fight anymore yet as I near the edge of the falls, I scramble trying to find something to grasp onto to keep from slipping over the edge.
Clinging to that part of my brain that is logical and not emotional. The intelligent part that says I deserve better. Suicide is easy, cowardly and selfish. Scrapping bottom but not touching it. My faith is broken. I think maybe that hurts the worse. Self-inflicted pain…who can screw you up better than yourself?
I don’t sleep so much as pass out from exhaustion.
I don’t even understand myself . My nerves are shot. I can’t think straight my mind just shuts down. Life crashing around me I sit and I knit. It’s the only thing my mind can accept, stay focused on. I have to knit or mind will completely shut down . Maybe knitting helps because I am actually creating something, accomplishing some task, any task
” I’m not the same girl anymore.. ”
“I am changing, rearranging…”
“…Somebody that I used to know ”
I hate taking pictures. And that was before the devastation of my body, soul and mind.
Now because of the illness and physical limitations lots of pictures are being taken (June is busting out all over!…)