Depeche Mode Shake The Disease
I am so angry right now. I am seething. I let my mom get to me. Yesterday she wanted to go grocery shopping and I said ok. She’s so hard headed and stubborn; traits that I have definitely inherited.
She insists on doing things and I try to be understanding; I realize she is having a hard time accepting her limitations.
We were unloading the groceries from the car. She kept insisting that she could carry all these things in her stroller. I told her just put the eggs in the basket and take your purse in and I’ll get everything else. Then I carried everything to the door and left them right inside the doorway and went back and forth.
Long story short. I start putting things away and she tells me she’ll do it. I noticed one of the egg cartons was crushed. Some of the eggs were broken. I was pissed. Not only about the fact that she doesn’t listen; she insisted that they were probably broken when she picked them up in the store. I know that was not the case.
So this morning she gets up before me and I hear her in the kitchen. She’s at the stove frying bacon. She knows, she promised me that she would not try to cook without me being there.
She called me to come to the kitchen. I told her to stop whatever she was doing and wait. She kept telling me to come here. I got up and that’s when I saw she was trying to cook.
I asked her to move away from the stove and leave the kitchen. She moved to the side but did not leave. I was so upset; it took everything in me not to yell at her.
Instead I slammed pots and pans and doors… Finally she left. Then I am not proud of what I did next. I had brought in a case of water last night and sat it on the kitchen floor. I took a steak knife to poke a hole in the plastic. Instead I just started stabbing at the case of water. End result is that I punctured holes in 7 of the bottles.
I can’t look or talk to her right now because I can’t trust my words. Right now I hear her in the kitchen trying to wash dishes probably and who knows what else. I can’t deal with her right now. I just can’t.
It’s 6:15 am. Interrupted sleep off and on. I think I spent the last 2 hours I think sorting. My room still looks like ground zero but I’m trying to stay in the now.
Baby steps, baby steps…
I’m reading a book called “Stick with It”. It’s a scientific evidence based approach to making lasting changes in your behavior.
The book begins with the thing that is the most difficult for me… Step Ladders. “Baby Steps”. I can’t get past the big picture and the small steps don’t count. Then I get overwhelmed; then I freeze
I didn’t get much sleep. Sweats and chills; the norm lately. However, this time was different.
I was getting anxious. I’d been awake for awhile and ready to go when it hit me. Off to my unexpected date with the toilet. I said a prayer silently, “please not now!”
I finished and dashed out the door and knew I was pushing making it on time to my therapy appointment. I was focused on getting there. Suddenly there was a car horn and I saw this guy in a Black Lexus motioning to me. I didn’t get what it meant; I assumed he just wanted to get over and so I fell back.
I made it to the doctor about 3 minutes late but then there was a line to check in. Long story short my doctor came out and said my appointment was scheduled for 2 hours earlier.
Crap!! (Seems appropriate right?)
Just great I thought walking back to the truck. And that’s when I saw it. At that moment I realized what the driver had been trying to tell me. My left front tire was flat.
“Are you freaking kidding me?” I just spent a fortune fixing this thing and now this. WTF? I go to the nearest gas station and try to put air in the tire.
BIG SURPRISE! The stems on the tires are just like everything else on this truck; “special”. It took forever to get the air in; hopefully enough to make it home.
Well, at least I wanted to shut down. I had decided that I could not bear to sit through a 2 hour hoarders support group today. I was officially done. On the way home, I decided to stop and pay for the storage locker rental. While I was there, I thought I would check out the unit and see if I could find some yarn that I’d needed to complete a project. I guess in a way, I improvised my own session.
I went through a large black bag that my cousin had “packed for me”. It made me angry. There was tons of mice turds and no attempt to clean it out. It just showed how much he thought of the value of my things.
I’m so over everything and everyone at this point. I’ve decided that when I get home I am going to go to my quiet place. I wanted to cry but only one tear came out. And I was proud of that.
I am shutting out the noise… For now.
Apparently, not so much…
Continuing the story…
I stopped at Firestone and he tells me that they won’t be able to fit me in today. I said to him, “look, I was just here last week and spent close to 2 grand, you could at least try to work with me.” So here I am, back at 3pm with an appointment, waiting.
Now, I have to back up a bit. Clearly, I am annoyed. I felt the frustration and anger bubbling up inside of me and the all too familiar tell tell misting of my eyes. Please don’t cry now, I said to myself. I didn’t.
I had gone home to wait for said appointment and braced myself for questioning from my mother. Is it terribly wrong that I was happy/relieved that she wasn’t there?
The earlier feeling of pride at not crying was turning into concerned agitation. Maybe it would be better to cry and right now I can’t. The eerie quiet stillness and calm was just below the surface. It’s the place that scares me. It is the raging me. I don’t like it to surface because I don’t know if I can control it. It is the ugly side of my personality.
Meanwhile my home looks like ground zero again and I am worried. Worried because little by little, I’m becoming accoustomed and apathetic to the chaos.
Update: tire leaking around the rim, power steering line leak. New total $200. So far it’s been a stellar day! Over $400 and hopefully the day is almost over.
Oh the tears! The damn is bulging…
I don’t know what else to call it. My goal is to write something every day. I’m working on developing “stick-to-it-tiveness”.
Today was a sad day. Just feeling very out of sorts and upset about my mom. I feel so frustrated and guilty for feeling this way. I look around and I see my space getting back to the same old cluttered space. I’m getting overwhelmed and starting to shut down again. I don’t want to go back to the way things were. It felt so light and weightless to feel good about accomplishing something. Chaos and no motivation. So tired…
There is an awlful restlessness that occurs sometimes. I can’t get comfortable. Too hot. Too cold. Can’t lay down and don’t want to sit up. I sink like a beached whale on top of my brand spanking new mattress with pillow topper no less! Scattered and tattered. Scorched Earth. Heavy sign…
Trying to change my outlook on life and see things more positively instead of negatively.
I had a bright spot today. I had lunch with my one of my high school teachers. It was nice seeing her. She has always believed in me and to have her still cheering me on even now, I am grateful beyond words.
I had all these big plans and ideas for this blog when I first signed up but mostly all I’ve done is pay for a website I never use.
So my goal today going forward is to write my story. Just write. Whatever comes with that; not going to worry about how it looks or sounds.
This is supposed to be therapeutic. We’ll see about that. Allow me to reintroduce myself…
A middle aged overweight single black female who may be be starting menopause. I am articulate, well read and well spoken… Sometimes.
I am what I would describe as a high functioning adult with some disabilities, both physical and mental (maybe later I’ll get into what that means exactly).
Among the many hats that I wear, most relevant to this particular endeavor is that I an adut with ADD. Recognizing but not yet completely accepting this fact, I struggle with ” staying the course”. I’m a good starter but not a closer. I am easily distracted. So this is going to be a major challenge for me.. Let’s see what happens from here.
Let me get the negatives out of the way first. This come easily because it’s easier to identify myself in these terms.
I suffer from a chronic pain condition, with a large side of major depressive disorder and ADD, sprinkled with a dash of generalized anxiety and OCD, with a big, giant bowl of hoarding for dessert! Whoo hoo!!
I live with my amazing mom. Except, she’s not doing so well right now. The doctors don’t know why she has lost so much weight. The good news is that no cancer has been detected. I also think she is going through the beginning stages of dementia. It hurts to see her struggle and frustration with not being able to remember or do the things she used to do.
I’m starting to ramble. Happens a lot especially when I’m tired like right now. I didn’t sleep much last night ( forgot to mention the insomnia… (Go big or go home). Boom!)
“Heavy” Linkin Park just some of the words:
I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity
I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Why is everything so heavy?
And so it goes. I’m working on changing my stinkin thinkin. I am my biggest enemy. I don’t like where I am but there must be comfort in the pain and hurtful place that I find myself. At least I am familiar with it.
The unknown frightens me. Ironically, what I refer to control actually looks like chaos on the outside. I wanna let go. Why is everything so heavy?
Dragging around what’s brining me down…
Today I take baby steps. My island is eroding and I am learning how to swim. Today, I tread water; slowly venturing out. Testing the waters but not too far out that I can’t make it back to the island.
The island that is slowly eroding, dying…
There is shelter on the other side. Off into the distance. Beckoning, waiting, faintly and gently in the distance.
How deep is the water?
Today I am a year older. I’m still here; shattered and broken. The difference this year? For the first time, I think that I’m going to be OK.
The past few days, I’ve been handwinding a skein of yarn. The skein comes fairly straightforward; if you start with the right end, the process is pretty smooth. However, grab the wrong end and the yarn can become one big tangled mess. The more you try, sometimes the knots and kinks get tighter. If you’re not careful and patient, you can get a knot that you cannot loosen. Sometimes the way forward is nowhere to be seen.
Yet I still try. What was once nice smooth yarn is slightly fuzzy now from the friction of trying to wind the ball. Finally in the end, I have wound the skein into a ball of yarn which I can now use to create something new and beautiful. I feel a sense of pride and accomplishment in this fact.
Of course, there was an easier way to accomplish the end goal but that was not my path. This is my journey.. .
The thing I call myself.. Tired. Just tired. Tired of being irritated. Tired of being angry. Tired of feeling guilty. Tired of trying. I just want everything to stop. I want a break.
Addendum: you always hurt the ones you love.
I don’t know what to do now. I just lashed out at my mom in anger because I was hurting and irritated and just so tired.. Now she’s quiet and I know that means that I hurt her and I can’t apologize. I am frozen and just feel cold. And very, very tired.
There is nothing worde than non-descriptive pain. My head, my whole body aches and nothing seems to help. You want to scream at the unfairness of it all. No one would understand anyway.