I don’t know how much more I can do. Dealing with my mom. I love her so much but she exhaust me. Emotionally spent.
When is too much? What is my breaking point. I don’t know if I have an answer but this I do know for sure. I’m close. I’m tired of trying to please and gain the approval of others that no matter what I do or how hard I try, it’s never going to be good enough. There will always be:
Something else that I forgot
I could have done better if only…
It was good but…
You did the best you could because you were never taught how to do it.
I could go on but you get the point.
Life. I see my mom’s mind slipping away and it seems to be happening more rapidly. We struggle to understand each other; each of us getting more frustrated because we can’t get what the other is trying to communicate.
As bad as it is for me, my heart breaks for her. I see the physical changes in her. She literally shrinks. Her eyes mists over and she holds her head down. I don’t know how to comfort her.
My eyes tear up but I can’t let her see this. It would only upset her more. I pray that God will comfort her.
Every day gets harder and harder. I am sick to my stomach. I’m not strong enough.
I just want to close my eyes… but I can’t…
I hate confrontation when it concerns me. I’ll fight the good fight for someone else. I tend to delay, deny or run when it involves my personal discomfort. Or worse, I just shut down and do nothing until the snowball turns into an avalanche and I am swept away.
There’s nothing worse than having a summertime cold..With me it means my body is completely knocking me on my ass and forcing me to not to anything .
It also affects my judgment. I tried knitting last night. I knew I was too tired to do it but I did it anyway instead of listening to my instinct. So the result is that pushing beyond that point where you know better caused me to make a mistake that cost me twice as much time and effort to correct than if I had just waited until I felt better.
Unfortunately, my knitting skills are not on a level such that I can easily make corrections without it being noticable. And yet, I always do the same thing over and over.
It’s true when they say, what a difference a day makes. Yesterday I was annoyed about going to the store just for bread. Today my mom’s not feeling well. Today I’ll gladly do it just to know she safe.
I wish I was more like her. Her stubbornness, her will. The amazing drive to keep going, despite the pain. It’s hard to watch but I go because she goes.
She insists on going shopping with me. In fact, she’s up and ready to go before me despite her pain.
She is an incredible woman but it is trying.
Shopping is so slow and she has her own mind and doesn’t listen. I try to go close to closing otherwise…
I looked up the definition. Definitely the right word to use. This morning the aide came to fix breakfast for my mom. We didn’t have any bread. I hadn’t gotten up yet when my mom told me there was no bread. I said, “ok I’ll get some.” After a bit I realized I didn’t hear her eating. I called out to her and didn’t hear anything so I got up. Her food was sitting on the table and she had went back to bed. I asked her why wasn’t she eating and she said,”I told you I didn’t have any bread. Can you run down the hill and get some?” Really? I said you mean you can’t eat the rest of your food without some bread? Then she said,”well I’ll just find some crackers, “So I get up and throw on some clothes. She’s busy getting me not to worry about it.
I go to store down the hill. I decide I may as well get some other stuff while I’m in there. When I get back she’s upset that I went.
I’m better than last time. No punctured water bottles. Instead I tried to rename it. I was able to get a walk in. The sun was out but it wasn’t too hot. I picked up some other stuff that was needed. And, I came and wrote in my journal.
I guess I’m getting better. I still feel crappy but think I’m turning the corner. I am still having chills. I struggled to make it to my meeting today. After it was over I came straight home. Running errands would have to wait until after the sun goes down: the heat is suffocating.
I just woke up. Knocked out for about 3 hours. Feeling much much better. Right now I am content to just stay in the moment and enjoy it. I am not going to worry about how things look, what I need to get done, all that. The noise inside my head is relatively quiet right now so I’m just going to sit and enjoy it.
Well technically it’s Day 8 because it’s almost 1am but I’m working on a goal to write something everyday. Since I missed, this will be short. Hey what most disturbing to me. I feel like crap. My body is stressed out which means that I break out in fever blisters. No sleep, chills. My legs are swollen. I don’t do well in this extreme heat. I think I get dehydrated and loopy. Can’t think. This is all I can muster right now.
I woke up around 7:15 am this morning. I maybe had around 3 hours of sleep but surprisingly, I felt pretty good. The swelling in my leg was down and my pain was very low.
I immediately noticed the quietness. I’m not use to it. Very little outside noise but more importantly, very little in my head chatter. It was kinda nice actually.
I get up to go to the bathroom and stopped. Too quiet. I went to go look in on Mom. I stood there and watched her move her legs and I knew then that she was ok. I think that’s one reason I don’t like the quiet; it makes me hyper-vigilant.
I went in the kitchen to start breakfast. She had said something about her TV but I told her I was in the kitchen. My immediate instinct was to just rinse out a pan but I just kept cleaning up and then I started breakfast.
I practiced mind fullness; which I’m not good at. I just concentrated on fixing the food: frying the bacon, preparing the eggs, etc. Slowly the swelling in both my legs started to return and I started to yawn a lot. Most important, I had her breakfast ready within the time frame that makes her happy.