Day 3 AKA Sh*t F*ck

I didn’t get much sleep. Sweats and chills; the norm lately. However, this time was different.

I was getting anxious. I’d been awake for awhile and ready to go when it hit me. Off to my unexpected date with the toilet. I said a prayer silently, “please not now!”

I finished and dashed out the door and knew I was pushing making it on time to my therapy appointment. I was focused on getting there. Suddenly there was a car horn and I saw this guy in a Black Lexus motioning to me. I didn’t get what it meant; I assumed he just wanted to get over and so I fell back.

I made it to the doctor about 3 minutes late but then there was a line to check in. Long story short my doctor came out and said my appointment was scheduled for 2 hours earlier.

Crap!! (Seems appropriate right?)

Just great I thought walking back to the truck. And that’s when I saw it. At that moment I realized what the driver had been trying to tell me. My left front tire was flat.

“Are you freaking kidding me?” I just spent a fortune fixing this thing and now this. WTF? I go to the nearest gas station and try to put air in the tire.

BIG SURPRISE! The stems on the tires are just like everything else on this truck; “special”. It took forever to get the air in; hopefully enough to make it home.

Well, at least I wanted to shut down. I had decided that I could not bear to sit through a 2 hour hoarders support group today. I was officially done. On the way home, I decided to stop and pay for the storage locker rental. While I was there, I thought I would check out the unit and see if I could find some yarn that I’d needed to complete a project. I guess in a way, I improvised my own session.

I went through a large black bag that my cousin had “packed for me”. It made me angry. There was tons of mice turds and no attempt to clean it out. It just showed how much he thought of the value of my things.

I’m so over everything and everyone at this point. I’ve decided that when I get home I am going to go to my quiet place. I wanted to cry but only one tear came out. And I was proud of that.

I am shutting out the noise… For now.

Apparently, not so much…

Continuing the story…

I stopped at Firestone and he tells me that they won’t be able to fit me in today. I said to him, “look, I was just here last week and spent close to 2 grand, you could at least try to work with me.” So here I am, back at 3pm with an appointment, waiting.

Now, I have to back up a bit. Clearly, I am annoyed. I felt the frustration and anger bubbling up inside of me and the all too familiar tell tell misting of my eyes. Please don’t cry now, I said to myself. I didn’t.

I had gone home to wait for said appointment and braced myself for questioning from my mother. Is it terribly wrong that I was happy/relieved that she wasn’t there?

The earlier feeling of pride at not crying was turning into concerned agitation. Maybe it would be better to cry and right now I can’t. The eerie quiet stillness and calm was just below the surface. It’s the place that scares me. It is the raging me. I don’t like it to surface because I don’t know if I can control it. It is the ugly side of my personality.

Meanwhile my home looks like ground zero again and I am worried. Worried because little by little, I’m becoming accoustomed and apathetic to the chaos.

Update: tire leaking around the rim, power steering line leak. New total $200. So far it’s been a stellar day! Over $400 and hopefully the day is almost over.

Oh the tears! The damn is bulging…

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