#MeToo

Like so many others, I have been struggling with my feelings regarding the Kavanaugh confirmation hearing and the testimony of Dr. Ford.

As a sexual assault survivor, I am deeply saddened by the words and conduct of our government and the elected officials who are supposed to represent us.

As a HUMAN survivor of sexual assault, like so many others, I feel compelled to speak up.

To Donald Trump and the men and women at the rallies who cheered, laughed as he made fun of Dr. Ford’s memory of the event and the politicians who are using this as an opportunity to cover themselves politically, Let me of a few things.

1. Speaking as an attorney, I say to them: Bravo, well played! Words matter. There is a difference between “I don’t recall” or “I have no knowledge.” These statements are not the same as “it never happened.”

2. Double speak and credible corroborating witnesses. I am personally offended. To say, I believe “something” happened to you, but not the way you remember it. This is what I say to you. In situations where the parties are known to each other in some context; YOU KNOW WHO ATTACKED YOU. As much as you’d like to forget or believe, you know.

Also, Dr. Ford is right, you never, ever, forget the laughter. Except now, I can add the mockery of the President.

3. Chilling effect.

I hope survivors, both women and men will continue to come forward and force the conversation. “When the system fails you, why even come forward?” Do not continue to buy into this way of thinking.

After my assault, I was interviewed at first by two make detectives. When one of them stepped out, the other one said to me that the guy had said it was consensual and I was young and inexperienced so it was an understandable mistake. When I told others what the detective said, it was my word against his.

They let him go. Three months later he attacked another girl and then the police tried to do something.

Stay informed. Stay focused and ignore the attempts to muddy the waters.

To my fellow survivors I stand with you. I pray for your healing and that you find peace.

Over it!

When is too much? What is my breaking point. I don’t know if I have an answer but this I do know for sure. I’m close. I’m tired of trying to please and gain the approval of others that no matter what I do or how hard I try, it’s never going to be good enough. There will always be:

Something else that I forgot

I could have done better if only…

It was good but…

You did the best you could because you were never taught how to do it.

I could go on but you get the point.

It’s not fair!

Life. I see my mom’s mind slipping away and it seems to be happening more rapidly. We struggle to understand each other; each of us getting more frustrated because we can’t get what the other is trying to communicate.

As bad as it is for me, my heart breaks for her. I see the physical changes in her. She literally shrinks. Her eyes mists over and she holds her head down. I don’t know how to comfort her.

My eyes tear up but I can’t let her see this. It would only upset her more. I pray that God will comfort her.

Every day gets harder and harder. I am sick to my stomach. I’m not strong enough.

I just want to close my eyes… but I can’t…

I hate confrontation when it concerns me. I’ll fight the good fight for someone else. I tend to delay, deny or run when it involves my personal discomfort. Or worse, I just shut down and do nothing until the snowball turns into an avalanche and I am swept away.

Insanity

There’s nothing worse than having a summertime cold..With me it means my body is completely knocking me on my ass and forcing me to not to anything .

It also affects my judgment. I tried knitting last night. I knew I was too tired to do it but I did it anyway instead of listening to my instinct. So the result is that pushing beyond that point where you know better caused me to make a mistake that cost me twice as much time and effort to correct than if I had just waited until I felt better.

Unfortunately, my knitting skills are not on a level such that I can easily make corrections without it being noticable. And yet, I always do the same thing over and over.

Free Falling

It’s true when they say, what a difference a day makes. Yesterday I was annoyed about going to the store just for bread. Today my mom’s not feeling well. Today I’ll gladly do it just to know she safe.

I wish I was more like her. Her stubbornness, her will. The amazing drive to keep going, despite the pain. It’s hard to watch but I go because she goes.

She insists on going shopping with me. In fact, she’s up and ready to go before me despite her pain.

She is an incredible woman but it is trying.

Shopping is so slow and she has her own mind and doesn’t listen. I try to go close to closing otherwise…

Gobsmacked!

I looked up the definition. Definitely the right word to use. This morning the aide came to fix breakfast for my mom. We didn’t have any bread. I hadn’t gotten up yet when my mom told me there was no bread. I said, “ok I’ll get some.” After a bit I realized I didn’t hear her eating. I called out to her and didn’t hear anything so I got up. Her food was sitting on the table and she had went back to bed. I asked her why wasn’t she eating and she said,”I told you I didn’t have any bread. Can you run down the hill and get some?” Really? I said you mean you can’t eat the rest of your food without some bread? Then she said,”well I’ll just find some crackers, “So I get up and throw on some clothes. She’s busy getting me not to worry about it.

I go to store down the hill. I decide I may as well get some other stuff while I’m in there. When I get back she’s upset that I went.

I’m better than last time. No punctured water bottles. Instead I tried to rename it. I was able to get a walk in. The sun was out but it wasn’t too hot. I picked up some other stuff that was needed. And, I came and wrote in my journal.

Baby steps.

Day 8

I guess I’m getting better. I still feel crappy but think I’m turning the corner. I am still having chills. I struggled to make it to my meeting today. After it was over I came straight home. Running errands would have to wait until after the sun goes down: the heat is suffocating.

I just woke up. Knocked out for about 3 hours. Feeling much much better. Right now I am content to just stay in the moment and enjoy it. I am not going to worry about how things look, what I need to get done, all that. The noise inside my head is relatively quiet right now so I’m just going to sit and enjoy it.

Day 7

Well technically it’s Day 8 because it’s almost 1am but I’m working on a goal to write something everyday. Since I missed, this will be short. Hey what most disturbing to me. I feel like crap. My body is stressed out which means that I break out in fever blisters. No sleep, chills. My legs are swollen. I don’t do well in this extreme heat. I think I get dehydrated and loopy. Can’t think. This is all I can muster right now.