Free Falling

It’s true when they say, what a difference a day makes. Yesterday I was annoyed about going to the store just for bread. Today my mom’s not feeling well. Today I’ll gladly do it just to know she safe.

I wish I was more like her. Her stubbornness, her will. The amazing drive to keep going, despite the pain. It’s hard to watch but I go because she goes.

She insists on going shopping with me. In fact, she’s up and ready to go before me despite her pain.

She is an incredible woman but it is trying.

Shopping is so slow and she has her own mind and doesn’t listen. I try to go close to closing otherwise…

Gobsmacked!

I looked up the definition. Definitely the right word to use. This morning the aide came to fix breakfast for my mom. We didn’t have any bread. I hadn’t gotten up yet when my mom told me there was no bread. I said, “ok I’ll get some.” After a bit I realized I didn’t hear her eating. I called out to her and didn’t hear anything so I got up. Her food was sitting on the table and she had went back to bed. I asked her why wasn’t she eating and she said,”I told you I didn’t have any bread. Can you run down the hill and get some?” Really? I said you mean you can’t eat the rest of your food without some bread? Then she said,”well I’ll just find some crackers, “So I get up and throw on some clothes. She’s busy getting me not to worry about it.

I go to store down the hill. I decide I may as well get some other stuff while I’m in there. When I get back she’s upset that I went.

I’m better than last time. No punctured water bottles. Instead I tried to rename it. I was able to get a walk in. The sun was out but it wasn’t too hot. I picked up some other stuff that was needed. And, I came and wrote in my journal.

Baby steps.

Day 8

I guess I’m getting better. I still feel crappy but think I’m turning the corner. I am still having chills. I struggled to make it to my meeting today. After it was over I came straight home. Running errands would have to wait until after the sun goes down: the heat is suffocating.

I just woke up. Knocked out for about 3 hours. Feeling much much better. Right now I am content to just stay in the moment and enjoy it. I am not going to worry about how things look, what I need to get done, all that. The noise inside my head is relatively quiet right now so I’m just going to sit and enjoy it.

Day 7

Well technically it’s Day 8 because it’s almost 1am but I’m working on a goal to write something everyday. Since I missed, this will be short. Hey what most disturbing to me. I feel like crap. My body is stressed out which means that I break out in fever blisters. No sleep, chills. My legs are swollen. I don’t do well in this extreme heat. I think I get dehydrated and loopy. Can’t think. This is all I can muster right now.

Day 6

I woke up around 7:15 am this morning. I maybe had around 3 hours of sleep but surprisingly, I felt pretty good. The swelling in my leg was down and my pain was very low.

I immediately noticed the quietness. I’m not use to it. Very little outside noise but more importantly, very little in my head chatter. It was kinda nice actually.

I get up to go to the bathroom and stopped. Too quiet. I went to go look in on Mom. I stood there and watched her move her legs and I knew then that she was ok. I think that’s one reason I don’t like the quiet; it makes me hyper-vigilant.

I went in the kitchen to start breakfast. She had said something about her TV but I told her I was in the kitchen. My immediate instinct was to just rinse out a pan but I just kept cleaning up and then I started breakfast.

I practiced mind fullness; which I’m not good at. I just concentrated on fixing the food: frying the bacon, preparing the eggs, etc. Slowly the swelling in both my legs started to return and I started to yawn a lot. Most important, I had her breakfast ready within the time frame that makes her happy.

Day 5

I am so angry right now. I am seething. I let my mom get to me. Yesterday she wanted to go grocery shopping and I said ok. She’s so hard headed and stubborn; traits that I have definitely inherited.

She insists on doing things and I try to be understanding; I realize she is having a hard time accepting her limitations.

We were unloading the groceries from the car. She kept insisting that she could carry all these things in her stroller. I told her just put the eggs in the basket and take your purse in and I’ll get everything else. Then I carried everything to the door and left them right inside the doorway and went back and forth.

Long story short. I start putting things away and she tells me she’ll do it. I noticed one of the egg cartons was crushed. Some of the eggs were broken. I was pissed. Not only about the fact that she doesn’t listen; she insisted that they were probably broken when she picked them up in the store. I know that was not the case.

So this morning she gets up before me and I hear her in the kitchen. She’s at the stove frying bacon. She knows, she promised me that she would not try to cook without me being there.

She called me to come to the kitchen. I told her to stop whatever she was doing and wait. She kept telling me to come here. I got up and that’s when I saw she was trying to cook.

I asked her to move away from the stove and leave the kitchen. She moved to the side but did not leave. I was so upset; it took everything in me not to yell at her.

Instead I slammed pots and pans and doors… Finally she left. Then I am not proud of what I did next. I had brought in a case of water last night and sat it on the kitchen floor. I took a steak knife to poke a hole in the plastic. Instead I just started stabbing at the case of water. End result is that I punctured holes in 7 of the bottles.

I can’t look or talk to her right now because I can’t trust my words. Right now I hear her in the kitchen trying to wash dishes probably and who knows what else. I can’t deal with her right now. I just can’t.

Day 4

It’s 6:15 am. Interrupted sleep off and on. I think I spent the last 2 hours I think sorting. My room still looks like ground zero but I’m trying to stay in the now.

Baby steps, baby steps…

I’m reading a book called “Stick with It”. It’s a scientific evidence based approach to making lasting changes in your behavior.

The book begins with the thing that is the most difficult for me… Step Ladders. “Baby Steps”. I can’t get past the big picture and the small steps don’t count. Then I get overwhelmed; then I freeze

Day 3 AKA Sh*t F*ck

I didn’t get much sleep. Sweats and chills; the norm lately. However, this time was different.

I was getting anxious. I’d been awake for awhile and ready to go when it hit me. Off to my unexpected date with the toilet. I said a prayer silently, “please not now!”

I finished and dashed out the door and knew I was pushing making it on time to my therapy appointment. I was focused on getting there. Suddenly there was a car horn and I saw this guy in a Black Lexus motioning to me. I didn’t get what it meant; I assumed he just wanted to get over and so I fell back.

I made it to the doctor about 3 minutes late but then there was a line to check in. Long story short my doctor came out and said my appointment was scheduled for 2 hours earlier.

Crap!! (Seems appropriate right?)

Just great I thought walking back to the truck. And that’s when I saw it. At that moment I realized what the driver had been trying to tell me. My left front tire was flat.

“Are you freaking kidding me?” I just spent a fortune fixing this thing and now this. WTF? I go to the nearest gas station and try to put air in the tire.

BIG SURPRISE! The stems on the tires are just like everything else on this truck; “special”. It took forever to get the air in; hopefully enough to make it home.

Well, at least I wanted to shut down. I had decided that I could not bear to sit through a 2 hour hoarders support group today. I was officially done. On the way home, I decided to stop and pay for the storage locker rental. While I was there, I thought I would check out the unit and see if I could find some yarn that I’d needed to complete a project. I guess in a way, I improvised my own session.

I went through a large black bag that my cousin had “packed for me”. It made me angry. There was tons of mice turds and no attempt to clean it out. It just showed how much he thought of the value of my things.

I’m so over everything and everyone at this point. I’ve decided that when I get home I am going to go to my quiet place. I wanted to cry but only one tear came out. And I was proud of that.

I am shutting out the noise… For now.

Apparently, not so much…

Continuing the story…

I stopped at Firestone and he tells me that they won’t be able to fit me in today. I said to him, “look, I was just here last week and spent close to 2 grand, you could at least try to work with me.” So here I am, back at 3pm with an appointment, waiting.

Now, I have to back up a bit. Clearly, I am annoyed. I felt the frustration and anger bubbling up inside of me and the all too familiar tell tell misting of my eyes. Please don’t cry now, I said to myself. I didn’t.

I had gone home to wait for said appointment and braced myself for questioning from my mother. Is it terribly wrong that I was happy/relieved that she wasn’t there?

The earlier feeling of pride at not crying was turning into concerned agitation. Maybe it would be better to cry and right now I can’t. The eerie quiet stillness and calm was just below the surface. It’s the place that scares me. It is the raging me. I don’t like it to surface because I don’t know if I can control it. It is the ugly side of my personality.

Meanwhile my home looks like ground zero again and I am worried. Worried because little by little, I’m becoming accoustomed and apathetic to the chaos.

Update: tire leaking around the rim, power steering line leak. New total $200. So far it’s been a stellar day! Over $400 and hopefully the day is almost over.

Oh the tears! The damn is bulging…

Day 2

I don’t know what else to call it. My goal is to write something every day. I’m working on developing “stick-to-it-tiveness”.

Today was a sad day. Just feeling very out of sorts and upset about my mom. I feel so frustrated and guilty for feeling this way. I look around and I see my space getting back to the same old cluttered space. I’m getting overwhelmed and starting to shut down again. I don’t want to go back to the way things were. It felt so light and weightless to feel good about accomplishing something. Chaos and no motivation. So tired…

There is an awlful restlessness that occurs sometimes. I can’t get comfortable. Too hot. Too cold. Can’t lay down and don’t want to sit up. I sink like a beached whale on top of my brand spanking new mattress with pillow topper no less! Scattered and tattered. Scorched Earth. Heavy sign…

Trying to change my outlook on life and see things more positively instead of negatively.

I had a bright spot today. I had lunch with my one of my high school teachers. It was nice seeing her. She has always believed in me and to have her still cheering me on even now, I am grateful beyond words.